Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Method Behind My Madness

Hi Gang! Forgive the slackness in my posting - I'm on my way out to a gig in Vegas. Which means pics of the amazing chocolate fountain in the Bellagio for YOU! But since I have a freakin' three hour layover in the Dallas airport - I'll be talking to you.

There's actually an great article about chocolate and Vegas that ran in the LA Times:

And I'm going to try to hit all these hot spots. But no promises. Who knows what might happen in Vegas?

However, I can assure you that whatever happens in Vegas will not stay in Vegas.

I thought I would take this opportunity to fully explain what must seem like a bizarrely disjointed or perhaps a completely desperate effort on my part to find someone cool to date. Let me assure you it is neither. I am totally not desperate - I am a little blue over the Afghanistan Affair, but I've been single for almost 12 years now. If I were desperate, I've had some chances. Hey - there was restraining order man!

As far as disjointed - not that either. Here's the plan (honed over many years of experimentation). Profile posted on - this seems to be the best of the dating sites. E-harmony is a pain and the "matches" are creepy. You can't pick your own people - you only get what they send you. I got a guy who wanted to do ballroom dancing (GLAACK - I'll go for salsa, even swing, but screw ballroom. I'm saving that for my golden years. Maybe.) and another guy who's biggest hobby was growing orchids. Hmmmm.....lets' see - I'll be lifting at the gym and he'll be tending his orchids? Are you kidding me? I find flower tending almost as sexy as SI.
I've also checked out some of the other sites, but the freak factor was very high. And I do mean freaks. One guy e-mailed and asked me if my feet were as pretty as the rest of me. Eew! And we won't go into detail about the man who posted a picture of himself in latex. And there was the woman who e-mailed to ask me if I might want to have a threesome with her and her husband. Ahhh......the stories I can tell. Who needs Vegas? I've got all this happening in my home office!

So is the best. And I have met some really nice guys and a few really big jerks. Unfortunately I seem to be attracted to the jerks. It's the initial appearance of a BP. The Afghanistan Affair was a match.comer. I accept full responsibility for my attraction to jerks and I am trying to do better. Thus - the words "restraining order" and "separated" send me running.

Now remember - I've met a lot of nice guys, so don't go thinking Internet dating is a bad thing. It's a great way to meet people especially if you work for yourself (no work contacts) and you don't think hanging out in a bar is enjoyable. And no, church is not in the cards, so don't even go there.

So I got that going on. It's a mixed bag and I am a hard ass. I don't really want to date someone with three or more small children. I don't want to date someone who mentions Jesus more than 5 times in his profile. And the latest guy who contacted me just set up a zip line from his back porch to the river behind his house. I don't know about you, but that makes me think of "Deliverance."

Now before you start giving me crap about being too picky - I give lots of guys a chance. I'll exchange a few e-mails and see if they have any life. If they seem like they might, I'll talk to them on the phone. Several blow it here - you wouldn't believe the things people tell you! But if they get through all this - I'll meet them. I've met some nice guys who just didn't do it for me and some weirdos and some guys I didn't do it for. You, dear readers, get the best of the stories.

As of today - and this is since the end of the Afghanistan Affair at the beginning of February - 2775 men have viewed my profile. Now I assume there are duplicates in there, but you can't ask for better exposure. Roughly 150 men have contacted me, I've gone on 7 dates and have 2 more set up. Several guys were screened out over the phone. Some I quit e-mailing because they were so damn boring. One guy spelled honest, onist. And judging by the rest of his writing, we're not talking typo. Call me crazy, but I like a little literacy in my men. The truth is, if a guy can't make me laugh or at least be interesting, why bother?

Okay, you heard about the speed dating. That was 20 guys. I scared them.

The other piece of the strategy is Meetup. This is a huge website - check it out that has about a billion different groups. Everything from knitting to hiking to dating. I, of course, have joined the singles group. They are set up by age - I started with the 40s and 50s group - thinking I'd rather be a hot, young member than a trolling cougar (I'm 43). But I found that men drop down - so all the guys in their 50s were at the 40s/30s group. Men seem to have no sense of their lack of hotness. I mean, some guys in their 50s are hot, no doubt. But most are not - at least not to someone 15 years younger. It's kind of creepy when these guys hit on you. And at the 40s/50s group the guys hitting on me were in their 60s. I was not diggin' it.

So, every Tuesday if I'm not traveling, working, or on a date, I try to go to the 30s/40s meetup.
Here's a pic from St. Patty's Day:

See the name tag I'm wearing? It doesn't say Marcy.

So far? Mixed results - have met several separated people. A few weirdos - one story I am sure I will share with you. And a lot of really nice guys I am not attracted to. But it's early in the game! And I really like to go to hang out with my buddy Carole - yes, the SI got her name right - she's in the pic with me. She is good enough to tolerate my random jokes (I am SO going to hell for the things I say about other attendees) and is a fellow chocolate lover. It was Carole who brought me the Vosges Bacon Bar.

So - that's the dating strategy and where all these random stories come from.

Upcoming - chocolate report from Vegas and the Easter candy!!!!!! See's sent me some awesome eggs, so we will be having an Eggstravanza!! I've even purchased a couple of the evil Russell Stover to give them a 100th chance. Stay tuned! And if you have any advice on the dating (other than the BS "if it is meant to be it will happen"), send it on! I say that is BS because both my UPS man and my postman are married. Those are the only men I see on a regular basis.

Viva Las Vegas!!!


Heidi said...

I have one word for you:


I'm serious, girl.

The guys are cute and they play guitars. And they rap.

Maybe if you come visit us this summer, we'll meet a nice guy out on the lake.

Oh, scratch that ... I just did a search on sex offenders within 5 miles of our house and turned up 12 -- all living on the lake.

Woo hoo ... maybe you'd better stay in NC ... or Vegas.

Denise Ryan said...

Ha, ha - now Heidi those guys are cute - but they are what - 20 years younger than me? Now sex offenders - THAT would give me some great blog material!

Carl Weaver said...

Denise, what you need is a guy who likes circus peanuts. I know it defies your years of hatred toward them and the assumption that they are evil. However, if a man can find it in his heart to love the unlovable, you really have found a keeper. Too bad my brother is also taken. I am sure there are others. Oh yes, there must be others.

What I used to do in my single days was go to the Fallout Shelter off Hillsborough Street in Raleigh on Monday nights for the industrial music night. That's where the art school girls went. They dressed in black and had low self-esteem, as did the guys, from what I could tell. That was a perfect match for me. Women who don't like themselves very much were certainly not above dating me.

Unfortunately, that bar is now gone, turned into a gay bar, so it might not be the type of trolling place you are looking for.

Oh yeah - I highly applaud your use of the term cougar. I am glad that is coming into the vernacular.

Denise Ryan said...

Carl - you are so damn funny!! You know the sad thing - a lot of people don't even know what the circus Peanut IS! How can they be alive and not know about the Peanut??

Carl Weaver said...

I don't know if I told you but Susan got me a Christmas gift that was an apron that says, "Will work for circus peanuts." Actually instead of the last two words it has a picture of the candy. I love that apron.

How can people not know what they are?

Denise Ryan said...

OMG - where did she find that??? That's hilarious!!! You are surrounded by candy lovers - in the real world when I joke about CP some people get this blank look - they have no idea. Those people scare me. Even more than people like you, Carl. People who love the CP. In my book, it's better a member of a weird food cult than to be boring. And you, my freind are definitely not boring!!