Chocolate Doesn't Always Make it Better

I've said it before and I'm going to say it again - just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD do it.

This line of chocolate covered cereal is made by Nassau Candy and is carried by Walmart.  And it's pretty damn bad.

First up is Cinnamon Crunch:

If you love cinnamon crunch cereal, you might like this.  But you might also find yourself asking, "Why?  My cinnamon crunch cereal is really good.  Slathering it in chocolate doesn't really make it better.  Why do it?"

Honey Toasted O's:

Ewwww- these taste completely stale.  Completely stale cereal coated in chocolate.  Gross.

Fruity O's (Fruit Loop knock-offs covered in chocolate):

This is just wrong.  Again the cereal seems kind of stale and the fruit flavor overpowers the chocolate.  And let's face it, it's not like this is a great fruit flavor.  Fruit Loops are best as a cereal and that's where they need to stop.  This is the Spawn of Satan.

And finally, Toasted Rice:

This is by far the least heinous of all the flavors and the only one that seemed fresh (all are well before their listed expiration dates).  This might actually be good mixed with raisins and peanuts or other ingredients.  As it is, it's kind of bland.

If you want to get one of these, this is the best one.  However, there are only about 10,000 better candy options.  I predict this line will not be around for long.

Not everything has to be coated in chocolate - something are best left just as they are.

LeWhif - the Chocolate You Inhale

Don't worry - I won't subject you to endless video of me.

Here are the photos of the evil LeWhif:

Clearly, the French tried to kill me.  I bet they sent the bus.  Argh - it must have been the macaroons!  Bastards.  But I have managed to escape.  Carpe diem!  Carpe the noninhaleable chocolate!

Thanks for watching!!

Gorgeous Chocolate and Its Lessons

You might have noticed the new pic on the blog.  I'm so proud that one of mine turned out so well.  Of course - the subject matter is simply beautiful and sooo festive! They are from the Chocolate Bear.

This is the autopsy photo of the dark chocolate truffle in the lower right corner:

It's a wonderful, rich dark truffle.    Good, wonderful if you love dark chocolate.

But you know me, this is more up my alley - this is the one at the very top and as, you can tell, is filled with peanut butter:

A nice touch is the thin dark chocolate lining of the milk chocolate shell.  And while this is a mighty fine peanut butter truffle, it's just not that salty, sweet amazing Reese's peanut butter.  I know, I know - don't get me wrong - this is a fine, fine truffle, but there's just something about Reese's that I adore.  And God knows it's a helluva lot cheaper!

This one fell apart a little after the autopsy - it's the pretty salted one on the bottom left:

I love the salt, was not as crazy about the flavor - kind of coffee like (I thought it was a caramel truffle) but the flavor is strongly of coffee.  Not my fav.  Love the salt, though.

At first, I just couldn't bear to autopsy the other two - they are so damn pretty.  But the white chocolate one on the right in the middle with the milk chocolate "turban" was a BIG disappointment.  It has a pink fruity filling with a thin coating of milk chocolate, than white.  Too fruity (and not in a good way), too sweet.  And those sparkles on top are sugar.  Very pretty on the outside, no substance on the inside. 

And the prettiest one of all?  Gooey chocolate inside, but all that pink crap and the round sprinkles on the top ruin it!  They taste like sugar plaster!  Boo!

I'm going to show you their insides just for spite!!

They don't look horrible in the photos, but I'm telling you, these are not very good.  Fabulously gorgeous, but not so good to eat.  VERY expensive and very disappointing.  I would have been better off covering them in resin and using them as decorations.

Their chocolate and cookie combos are so creative!  You have to love this dark chocolate frog sitting on a cookie lily pad!  This one was delicious!

This one is their signature cookie - the Chocolate Bear paw, I guess.  It 's a great idea - the pad of the paw is a dollop of caramel and the back of the cookie has some extra chocolate to sweeten it up:

But I didn't like the cookie as much -it has a smokey flavor - like maybe the almonds were smoked?  I dunno - it didn't work for me.

The best chocolates to look at tasted the worst!  Once again, fooled by an attractive exterior.  Just because something is pretty and expensive doesn't mean it has lasting value.  Paris Hilton, anyone?

And sometimes the frog turns out to be the prince.

The Coolest Candy Store EVAH!!

I've been off the grid, gang - so sorry!  It's all good, though, lots of work!  Yay!  This week started off in Myrtle Beach where I found the most amazing candy store in the free world - IT'SUGAR:

This amazing thing has different flavors of "pucker powder" and you can fill the plastic tubes with it.  Remember Pixie Sticks?  Well, this takes the whole sugar thing to a whole new level.  And I like it!

They had loads of cool candy gifts too:

And how about this - the sweetest sandcastle ever made with 254,093 Jelly Belly jelly beans.  Let me tell you, it was ginormous!

Journals, notepads, candy jars:

My new favorite luggage tag which will be so accompanying me to Candy Expo!

The newest addition to my living room:

They didn't have too much non-standard chocolate (tons of M and M's in different colors), but I loved this Chocoscopes Bloomsberry and Co. wrapper:

My b-day is tomorrow (or today depending on when you read this) and I am a Taurus, and this was pretty right on!  You know how I love that creative packaging!  Any of these fit you?

Bloomsbury Chocolate is pretty good - along the lines of Cadbury, but what they're really selling are their super creative wrappers.

There were also tons of bins where you could bag your own candy.  I'm only in it for the chocolate, but I did snag some huge (and delicious) Jordan Almonds:

I love their stylized S logo.  And the back of the bag has three levels you can fill to - the lowest is sugar fix, next is sugar rush, the highest is sugar high.  Love it!!  Oh - and they have tons of t-shirts and hats and all kinds of candy themed stuff.  The music playing is even all candy songs!!  I'm telling you, this place is FAB!!!

There were the only new chocolate bars I found:

These are by Joyva Corp based in Brooklyn and they were God awful.  The chocolate is terrible and the fillings no better.  Ewwww!

This is the logo on their shopping bags: 

It is a really, really great place and it's at Broadway at the Beach in Myrtle Beach, SC.  It is so much fun!!!!

And would you believe I saw this on the way home:

I tried to hijack him, but my car was too small to force him off the road and I was unarmed.  Damn it.  Where's a good jihadist when you need one?

Some Chocolate is Too Horrible to Live

Welcome back to work after a long holiday break! For those of you who are finding it hard to get back into the swing of things, I have just the ticket:

http://www.chocolateweapons.com

How'd you like to use one of those on your boss or an annoying co-worker? How cool would it be to pull out that gun and them take a big bite out of it? I'm thinking of building my own arsenal. Thanks to my brother, Russ for sending the link. THAT'S the kind of chocolate I want for Valentine's Day! (And given my relationship history, it's the most appropriate.)

I also have it set up so you can buy my awesome, cool, inspiring book, Do You Burn, online. There's a link on my website http://www.firestarspeaking.com/.

Now on to the great holiday chocolate massacre!

I have found Palmer chocolate that I like. I like Reese's. I like M & M's. I am no chocolate snob. But some chocolate is so bad, it really should not exist. I found this box in Walgreen's. And at first glance, it seemed to have good potential:

There were dark and milk chocolate pine cones. Nicely molded, festive:

These little guys were also festive - the snowflake is raspberry, the red and green one is peppermint and the other is dark chocolate:

This was a gingerbread truffle:

This is a peppermint truffle:

This is a dark chocolate truffle and an autopsied salted caramel truffle:

Can I just say, "GLAACK!"? These were terrible! So terrible I couldn't even identify the salted caramel by taste. It just tasted like bad chocolate with a vague bit if salt. The chocolate was yucky - not at all smooth - waxy - must be mockolate. If it's not, it should be. These are produced under the Hazelwood Gourmet label by Riviera Brands. Danger! Danger! Don't waste your money!! I got some of these after Valentine's Day last year (at half price) and I obviously forget how God awful they were. Boo!!!

I also bought these crazy things also by Hazelwood:

Now I had no idea what to expect when I bit one of these. For some reason I thought they might be hard, like a lollipop. But they are the creepy chocolate truffles from the box (a little bigger maybe) on a stick. The red and green sprinkled one is gingerbread - so they say. It sure didn't taste like gingerbread to me. More like some weird spice. Gross.

This one was really pretty - I like the bronze metallic over the chocolate. This was a giant dark chocolate truffle on a stick. Not as heinous as the "gingerbread" but nothing great. Definitely not worth the calories. Although I do give them points for trying something different. I don't think it works - the hard outer shell pretty much just crumbles. But hey - it was different.

Note to self - truffles don't need to be on a stick. Second note to self - stop buying this crappy chocolate.

I also found this at Walgreen's:

It looks like there is a lot more in the package than there really is:

Not very green! Someone call the EPA!

But it turns out that's a good thing:

Because this is awful. Rock hard waxy slabs of chocolate with some crumbs of something they say is gingerbread. Ewww! This was truly awful. From Harry London. That bastard.

Now you know if I'm talking about bad chocolate, I'm going to have to talk about Russell Stover. I keep giving them a chance and they keep sucking. I am done with them, I swear! (How many times have I said that? and I just keep going back. Apparently Russell Stover is my Charlie Sheen.)

I hadn't tried a maple cream Santa (and I like maple):

Ah - the Russell Stover artistry! Look at that Santa! I think that looks more like the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes than a Santa. Zero points for artistic skill.

How does it taste? Slightly mapley. The filling is more fluffy than creamy. Not horrible, but not anything I would buy again. The chocolate did better than usual (i.e. not all crumbly and cracking off) and seems a little less waxy. But maybe that's just because the other ones I've reviewed today have been so, so, so bad.

At the beginning of the holiday season, someone commented that the RS wreath was not as good this year as it has been. Their coconut wreaths were one of the only things I liked in the line. They were reworked for each holiday, but they had great shredded coconut and were good!

But I think our reader was absolutely right! Look at the difference between last year's wreath:

And this year's wreath:

Russell Stover, you suck!!!! This is so lame compared to the old version! You can barely taste the coconut!! The one thing I liked, you ruined! I hate you!

Where's a chocolate anti-aircraft gun when I need one?

So what do we learn from this?

That apparently I am one step away from entering the mental ward. But besides that...

Believe chocolate when it shows you how it tastes the first time. How many times have I purchased Russell Stover and how many times have I been disappointed? (I am completely ripping off the saying that you should believe people when they show you who they are the first time.) Someone who will lie to you once, will lie you to again. (If Charlie Sheen tried to kill you once, he's gonna beat on you again.)

There is a place for bad chocolate. It makes us appreciate good chocolate! People who treat you badly make you value people who treat you well. Bad times make you appreciate good times. Cold weather makes you appreciate warm weather. (That's for those of you freezing right now.)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Okay, if I buy Hazelwood or Russell Stover again, I only have myself to blame. What mistakes might you be repeating? And are you blaming the right person?

Here's to making NEW mistakes in 2010! And learning from the old ones.

And carrying a loaded chocolate handgun.