Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Getting Naked on St. Patrick's Day

Ah, St. Patrick's Day. Although I have a bit of Irish blood in my veins, St. Patty's Day has never really been one of my favorite holidays. It has NO good candy. All the best holidays have good candy - Christmas, Halloween, Easter, Valentine's Day. Hell, Just Born doesn't even make a shamrock Peep! I've almost always gone out with my friends and, as a non-drinker, been suitably unimpressed. Green beer just seems nasty to me.

Now don't get me wrong - my non drinking is not a moral thing. I'm no Mormon - hell, they can't even have caffeine! And, as we know, I'm really not excited by the thought of being one of multiple wives. I'd like to be the ONLY woman in my committed relationship. And, no, I'm not a recovering alcoholic. I am a practicing chocoholic, but that's it.

I simply don't like the taste of beer and I need ALL my calories for candy! I mean, choosing between a beer and a Reese's Cup is easy for me. I will ALWAYS choose the chocolate.

But as far as what others do, I don't care. I prefer not to hang out with those who mainline heroin, but drinking? Bottoms up! In fact, I have found that my non drinking bothers some people WAY more than their drinking bothers me.

The only thing that does bother me is when the extremely drunk are attracted to the Big Personality (BP) like besotted moths to a flame. I actually like the BP - it makes me laugh. I like to walk up to a cute guy and give him a hard time for not wearing green. Or bust on him for texting when he could be talking to all the people around him. (Apparently this scares more men than I realize, but I think it's funny.) And the truth is, most of the guys I like have BP's themselves and they like the attention. They give it right back to me.

But sometimes what seems like a BP is just severe intoxication (SI). When the BP teases the severely intoxicated, the SI wants to attach itself to the BP. Now let me elaborate on SI. SI is not a good buzz. SI is slurring speech, loss of balance, and possibly an inability to focus the eyes. Quite frankly, SI is repulsive. There's a whole lotta SI going on on St. Patty's Day.

Tonight I made the mistake of talking to two SIs. The problem is, you can't tell at first they are SIs. They seem to make eye contact like BPs. But as soon as the SI speaks, they betray themselves. It's the slurring. Combined with the incoherence. Then there's the leaning - they can't really stand erect. And they see the BP and think - "Ooh.....shiny......I want to touch the shiny thing........" YIKES!

The SI also thinks he has serious mojo which could not be further from the truth. As the night went on, the SI ratio began to skyrocket and we decided to escape. One SI followed my girlfriend and I into the parking lot and called after us "Marcy and Carole? Marcy and Carole?" We were wearing name tags. And my name ain't Marcy. His stumbling, slurring and use of God knows who's name was so sexy I immediately wanted to go home with him. I'm not sure if it was the loss of motor skills or the illiteracy. So hot!

Needless to say, I did not meet any dating prospects tonight. But all was not lost!

On the way home I stopped by Rite Aid and got my first haul of Easter candy! Whoo Hoo!

These were the cutest guys I saw all night:

Aw- look at them!! Made by Lindt with their creamy, fabulous, delicious chocolate. They are hollow, but if they were solid, it would be too much chocolate. This was perfect.

This was the only body I wanted to see naked tonight.

I wonder who the hell Marcy is?


Carl Weaver said...

I am pretty sure Marcy and Carole had already left and this guy was just noticing that his date and likely his designated driver was gone. Just a guess. SI sometimes also has extreme bravado in pugilistic sports, on top of his mojo. That's one reason I avoid bars on St. Patty's Day. There's always some guy who has been drinking since noon and is ready to fight. It's safer to just stay home. Plus the drunks on the road last night - it was hairy getting home!

I will keep my eyes open for the Lindt critters. We have a mess of Easter candy here but I won't be able to get my mitts on it until tomorrow.

Denise Ryan said...

Carl - you are so dang funny!! I can't wait to hear what Easter candy you all got!! And would you believe Lindt has a display in Food Lion????? I kid you not!

Carl Weaver said...

I worked at Food Lion when I was young and directionless. It wasn't pretty. It's funny that they have anything high-end. Do you have Bloom stores down there? It's Food Lion's high-end retail.

Denise Ryan said...

Carl - you are a man of many talents!! No - we don't have Bloom - I've never even heard of them. But I did almost pass out when I saw Lindt in the Lion!

Oh - Carl - I saw the most amazing thing today - I almost bought them for you. Brachs has a weird assortment of Easter shapes that look suspiciously like CIRCUS PEANUTS!!!!! There are orange shapes and white and some other colors, but I'm telling you - they were merely CPs in disguise. If you don't see them, tell me - I'll send them to you. YIKES!

Heidi said...

This was one hilarious post!

And besides that, my 5-year-old really wants to bite into those photos of the chocolate chickens.