Old Time Religion

Okay, as if my mere mention of the dreaded Chick-O-Stick was not enough, look at this great review from my friend Jonny of Candy Gurus:

http://candygurus.blogspot.com/2009/02/chick-o-stick-islander-treat.html

He's in Hawaii right now on vacation, lounging around and blogging about candy. The Recession isn't raining on his parade either! Go Jonny!!

It makes me want to actually eat one of Dem Chicken Bones.

So, what do we learn by this trip to Mast General Store?

Candy is the drug of choice during the recession. Hey, you don't have to believe me! In Tuesday's edition of USA TODAY, the Sr. VP of Marketing at Ghirardelli said, "In hard times, chocolate is comforting and affordable." Uh - actually chocolate is always comforting and affordable. That's the best he's got?

Ghirardelli's 2009 sales are projected to surpass those of 2008. Hershey's also reported strong sales. (Clearly this is a direct result of this blog. And of all the chocolate I give out in my seminars. See, I TOLD you I was bailing out the chocolate makers!!! Who else would buy a $50 5 lb. Hershey bar?)

But I digress.

The bottom line is that we love our candy. It makes us feel better, it's fun, and it's relatively inexpensive. Candy is great.

Another possible lesson is that we might actually return to some simpler pleasures. I don't know about this for sure - we've gone pretty far down the path away from this. Just today I saw people out walking their dogs and all of them were on their cell phones. The dogs interacted way more than the humans did.

But nostalgic candy does remind us of our childhoods - of Halloween, of family holidays, of summer fun. I remember my Dad coming home from work and bringing me Now and Laters. I loved them because I loved my Dad. Well, maybe I loved my Dad because I loved Now and Laters.....but you get the point. Love was involved...in some way. Life was simpler and not so scary then - or so we like to remember.

I just know that candy makes me happy - it did then and it does now. And I am clearly not alone.

Some of these crazy candies show us that if something is really good to four or five people, chances are it's good to many others. You don't have to sell as many Cherry Mash bars (are they really bars? More like Cherry Mash balls) as Snickers bars to still turn a profit. And with the Internet, small candy companies can get the word out and reach a larger market. They have a much tougher time getting into the grocery stores where Hershey and Mars have distribution locked up.

Some of them, however, might want to consider upgrading. I don't have access to their sales figures, but Kits are really sub par. And the process to make all those crappy little squares and wrap them all individually surely can't be completely cheap. Unless they are making a fortune, maybe they could try to get better?

I overheard a teenager in Mast commenting "These are all the candies that have gone out of business!" Obviously this teen was not the sharpest tool in the shed. After all, if the companies had gone out of business who did she think was making the candy? And I don't think that candies go out of business, the companies that make the candies go out of business, but you can appreciate what she was thinking. Maybe if she had texted her thought it would have been more literate.

Just because something has been around a long time doesn't mean it's good. But just because something is new doesn't mean it's good either. If the only competitive advantage you have is that you've been around a long time, you better reconsider. For example - Squirrel Nut Zippers are bad - they look greasy and creepy in their wrappers and don't taste much better. But that's a kicking name and I bet they could do some research, improve the product, and laugh all the way to the bank! That French Taffy was awesome!! But the packaging needs a serious redo. If it looked better and more people tried it, I swear they'd be hooked. The stuff is good! Work what you've got!!

These candies are all a lot like us - not everyone of us can be a Snickers (a Brad Pitt if you will), hogging all the shelf space, making millions, getting all the press. But we can all be great enough to have good friends and a great life. We can still draw a crowd at Mast General Store! Make the most of what makes you unique and special and keep developing those traits or growing in new directions. You'll have your fans - even if you are a Chicken Bone.

More of the Candy Undead

Dating update - last night's date confessed to me that his ex-wife took a restraining order out on him. Now before you think I'm dredging these guys up from the depths of Hell, this guy seemed respectable! He's a doctor for God's sake! But needless to say, I'll be passing on any more dates with him. Let's go back to Mast General Store - it's much safer there.

I just finished devouring Doscher's famous (I think "famous" is a bit of a reach here) French Chew Taffy bar. This one was chocolate and it was pretty darn good! Softer than I expected and fun to chew - I liked it! Only 160 calories too!

http://www.doscherstaffy.com/

This is from their web site and I completely agree:

We think you will find that Doscher's possesses a great taste, texture and shape. Doscher's Candies, founded in 1871, have been making the taffy for over a century. Doscher's is a small, independent candy company making taffy by hand in Cincinnati, in copper kettles dating back to 1893. It is made five days a week at a rate of about 75 bars per minute.


Although vanilla is the best selling flavor! Not chocolate. That just seems wrong.

Mast also has mini Heath and Clark bars as well as Kits and B-B-Bats. Heath and Clark bars will be reviewed elsewhere - I just liked getting these baby ones. Kits and B-B- Bars are just heinous. Too hard, crummy flavor - disappointing. One of the Kits flavors I got was peanut butter - I was so excited. Not so good. These are bought by people who just don't know any better. Get a French Chew Taffy bar! Get a Tootsie Roll! Just unwrapping these things is too much trouble.

This is a white chocolate Toberone bar (which I'll review elsewhere) and some Chocolate Cream Drops. Mast also sells several bags of candy like this - chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate malt balls, Jordan almonds, etc. These are nothing to write home about - they are just adequate. The chocolate is average and the cream is very sugary. But if you buy some, you might find them hard to stop eating. I have no explanation for this.

Now look at this baby:

I've been wanting to try one of these since I read about them in Candy Freak.

The Chase Candy Company is another small American candy maker based in St. Louis. They've been making the Cherry Mash since 1918. From the company's web site:

http://www.cherrymash.com/

Around 1918 Chase formulated what was to become the best selling cherry candy bar in the country, Cherry Mash. The candy consisted of a quarter pound mound of chopped roasted peanuts blended with chocolate coating over a smooth cherry fondant center. Interestingly the candy was called Cherry Chase then Cherry Chaser before becoming the Cherry Mash we know today.

Here it is naked:

And you know how I like to perform chocolate autopsies:

Wow - look at that cherry! Chase says this is the "best selling cherry candy bar in the country." I ask you - are there any other cherry candy bars in the country? But, hey, I'm all for bold marketing.

Now I'm a little conflicted about this bizarre concoction. I'm not a big cherry fan as you all know. And look at all that cherry!! But somehow the abundance of peanuts offsets some of the cloying sweetness of the cherry. It wasn't bad! If you like cherry, you should really try one of these. But it is VERY filling (it's about the size of a small fist) and has almost 300 calories. I can't really recommend this, but I can't really dis it either. I'm glad the Cherry Mash is out there and I'm glad I tried it.

I love this crazy candy adventure!!

As for the dating adventure......so far, not so much.

Candy from Beyond the Grave

Can I just tell you - dating is so unbelievably time consuming! Talking on the phone, planning the date, getting ready for the date, going to the date, enduring the date. It is totally taking me away from my blogging, and I actually find blogging more rewarding. I think my relationship with chocolate, candy and you, my dear readers, may be better than what I can hope for with any mere man. The three of you have yet to cancel on me, give me an unwanted kiss, or talk so much about yourself that I considered slitting my own wrists. I'd say I am going to dating hell, but I think I am already there.

But enough about me - let's talk about chocolate!!

Thanks to Russell Duncan for reminding me about Mast General Store and their selection of nostalgic candy! When I was in Asheville, I stopped in. The place was crowded, with almost everyone jammed in the candy section. Maybe people did coke in the 80s, but they are mainlining sugar in 2009. Rock on, I say!! Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mast has one of those set-ups where you pick up a big basket and walk around all these barrels of candy and put what you want in the basket. Well - you know what happens - you get a couple of these and a few of those and pretty soon, you have an ungodly amount of candy. Nature abhors a vacuum and you fill that basket right on up.

To check out, they weigh it (some of the specialty items are priced individually) and you walk out having had a blast and paying way too much for a very customized and bizarre assortment of candy.

Here are some of the things I got:

Let's have a heart-to-to heart about these. See the hot Cinnamon Bear? That's a Sweet's Cinnamon Bear without the chocolate. MUCH better. Still a little too cinnamony for me. But very chewy and good. As hard as it is to believe, not everything is enhanced by adding chocolate.

I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE those brown striped peanut butter bars! I could eat them until I exploded. They are made by Atkinson's, another old American Candy Company. Around since 1932 and located in Lufkin, Texas: http://www.atkinsoncandy.com/about/

They also make Chick-O-Stick which has always creeped me out because of the chick reference. I mean what the hell is that? The web site should say where the name came from. It's peanut butter, but why chick? I don't like the name and want no chicks to have touched any candy bar I eat and no chick parts to be in any candy bar I eat.

They also make the Long Boys you can see below the Peanut Butter Bar. These are crappy versions of the Tootsie Roll. Very crappy versions. Coconut tastes nothing like coconut, maybe like a weird caramel. It has a gross coconut texture at the end of chewing it. Not sure what it tastes like, but it's really not of this earth. Don't get these.

Yuck - don't get the Slo Poke either. Bleech!!! Billed as "delicious caramel" it is pretty yucky. It is not delicious and is only vaguely caramel like. It's like a horrible Kraft caramel. And after some of the absolutely earth stopping caramels we've reviewed here, you should not waste your time with this.

Under the Slo Poke is the Squirrel Nut Zipper - the best thing about these is the name. Way cool. There is a great swing band called the Squirrel Nut Zippers. The candy is made by Necco and I can't see how Necco can sell all these really bad candies and still be solvent. When all the people who buy them for the sake of nostalgia die, Necco is going down. Note to Necco - invest in R & D before it's too late!!!

I tried one Squirrel Nut Zipper, considered spitting it out, and threw the rest away. Walnetto's are much better. And you know how I feel about them.

The last two candies here deserve a close-up:

These are by Goetze's. They have a cool website:

http://www.goetzecandy.com/index.cfm?page=caramel_creams

The website says:

A favorite of many generations, Goetze’s treats have always been made the same old-fashioned way with a low fat, low sodium, no cholesterol recipe. You’ll enjoy the same great taste that’s been loved for years. Made with wheat flour, milk and real cream, Caramel Creams® have a clean simple taste that doesn’t give you that sour stomach that many really sugary sweets give you.

AAIIEE!!! These are HORRIBLE!!!! I never was a big fan of the caramel creams - I'd get them at Halloween and never liked them. But when I saw strawberry and chocolate versions at Mast, I thought, "Cool - I can't wait to try these!" Maybe it is the wheat flour, but these have a weird mouth feel and a vile after taste. I've never gotten a "sour stomach" from sugary sweets but these......these are evil. They must be designed to give children a lifelong fear of candy. Goetze's backwards is Sezteog, surely the name of a lesser demon. And the chocolate ones are called Bull's Eyes to go with another of their candies, Cow Tales. Bovine parts. EVIL, EVIL, EVIL!

Maybe there is a reason these candies are no longer popular. Maybe it is because they are awful. We have such amazing candy makers working today, these relics can no longer compete. I love capitalism.

We're not done yet! Well, I'm done - after a coconut Long Boy, a Slo Poke and that god-awful devil's wheat flour strawberry cream, I'm feeling a little ill. We'll talk more about the past tomorrow. If I live that long.