Some Chocolate is Too Horrible to Live

Welcome back to work after a long holiday break! For those of you who are finding it hard to get back into the swing of things, I have just the ticket:

http://www.chocolateweapons.com

How'd you like to use one of those on your boss or an annoying co-worker? How cool would it be to pull out that gun and them take a big bite out of it? I'm thinking of building my own arsenal. Thanks to my brother, Russ for sending the link. THAT'S the kind of chocolate I want for Valentine's Day! (And given my relationship history, it's the most appropriate.)

I also have it set up so you can buy my awesome, cool, inspiring book, Do You Burn, online. There's a link on my website http://www.firestarspeaking.com/.

Now on to the great holiday chocolate massacre!

I have found Palmer chocolate that I like. I like Reese's. I like M & M's. I am no chocolate snob. But some chocolate is so bad, it really should not exist. I found this box in Walgreen's. And at first glance, it seemed to have good potential:

There were dark and milk chocolate pine cones. Nicely molded, festive:

These little guys were also festive - the snowflake is raspberry, the red and green one is peppermint and the other is dark chocolate:

This was a gingerbread truffle:

This is a peppermint truffle:

This is a dark chocolate truffle and an autopsied salted caramel truffle:

Can I just say, "GLAACK!"? These were terrible! So terrible I couldn't even identify the salted caramel by taste. It just tasted like bad chocolate with a vague bit if salt. The chocolate was yucky - not at all smooth - waxy - must be mockolate. If it's not, it should be. These are produced under the Hazelwood Gourmet label by Riviera Brands. Danger! Danger! Don't waste your money!! I got some of these after Valentine's Day last year (at half price) and I obviously forget how God awful they were. Boo!!!

I also bought these crazy things also by Hazelwood:

Now I had no idea what to expect when I bit one of these. For some reason I thought they might be hard, like a lollipop. But they are the creepy chocolate truffles from the box (a little bigger maybe) on a stick. The red and green sprinkled one is gingerbread - so they say. It sure didn't taste like gingerbread to me. More like some weird spice. Gross.

This one was really pretty - I like the bronze metallic over the chocolate. This was a giant dark chocolate truffle on a stick. Not as heinous as the "gingerbread" but nothing great. Definitely not worth the calories. Although I do give them points for trying something different. I don't think it works - the hard outer shell pretty much just crumbles. But hey - it was different.

Note to self - truffles don't need to be on a stick. Second note to self - stop buying this crappy chocolate.

I also found this at Walgreen's:

It looks like there is a lot more in the package than there really is:

Not very green! Someone call the EPA!

But it turns out that's a good thing:

Because this is awful. Rock hard waxy slabs of chocolate with some crumbs of something they say is gingerbread. Ewww! This was truly awful. From Harry London. That bastard.

Now you know if I'm talking about bad chocolate, I'm going to have to talk about Russell Stover. I keep giving them a chance and they keep sucking. I am done with them, I swear! (How many times have I said that? and I just keep going back. Apparently Russell Stover is my Charlie Sheen.)

I hadn't tried a maple cream Santa (and I like maple):

Ah - the Russell Stover artistry! Look at that Santa! I think that looks more like the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes than a Santa. Zero points for artistic skill.

How does it taste? Slightly mapley. The filling is more fluffy than creamy. Not horrible, but not anything I would buy again. The chocolate did better than usual (i.e. not all crumbly and cracking off) and seems a little less waxy. But maybe that's just because the other ones I've reviewed today have been so, so, so bad.

At the beginning of the holiday season, someone commented that the RS wreath was not as good this year as it has been. Their coconut wreaths were one of the only things I liked in the line. They were reworked for each holiday, but they had great shredded coconut and were good!

But I think our reader was absolutely right! Look at the difference between last year's wreath:

And this year's wreath:

Russell Stover, you suck!!!! This is so lame compared to the old version! You can barely taste the coconut!! The one thing I liked, you ruined! I hate you!

Where's a chocolate anti-aircraft gun when I need one?

So what do we learn from this?

That apparently I am one step away from entering the mental ward. But besides that...

Believe chocolate when it shows you how it tastes the first time. How many times have I purchased Russell Stover and how many times have I been disappointed? (I am completely ripping off the saying that you should believe people when they show you who they are the first time.) Someone who will lie to you once, will lie you to again. (If Charlie Sheen tried to kill you once, he's gonna beat on you again.)

There is a place for bad chocolate. It makes us appreciate good chocolate! People who treat you badly make you value people who treat you well. Bad times make you appreciate good times. Cold weather makes you appreciate warm weather. (That's for those of you freezing right now.)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Okay, if I buy Hazelwood or Russell Stover again, I only have myself to blame. What mistakes might you be repeating? And are you blaming the right person?

Here's to making NEW mistakes in 2010! And learning from the old ones.

And carrying a loaded chocolate handgun.

The Grand Chocolate Peppermint Finale!!

Why? Why, oh why do I keep giving Russell Stover a chance? It's just like my continued return to Match.com - clear insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Forget crutches, I should be sporting a straight jacket.


Here's RS's entry in the battle for peppermint prowess:

Unlike the usual RS filled blob, we can actually see that this is, indeed, a snowman. He is apparently hanging onto this scarf for dear life, but nonetheless, we can tell what he is. We can even see the carrot for his nose. The point of view is wrong, no snowman's nose is a sideways carrot, but still extraordinary for RS. He is made of white chocolate with peppermint chips and a dark chocolate base. The peppermint is in there, although not nearly as visible as in other offerings. And I have to say, I prefer the dark chocolate here to the milk chocolate of Ghirardelli. I know, shocking, right? But before things get crazy, the Ghirardelli chocolate is so much smoother and creamier than the RS chocolate, they still come out ahead.

But there's another entry in this peppermint pecking order:

Our friends at Dove! I have to say this may be the ugliest holiday candy bag ever - mostly grey and with the Martha Stewart stamp in blue. Ugly. It does get better, however:

LOVE the red and green polka dots!!

Now these have the right combo - dark chocolate (I think dark works best here because it offsets the sweetness of the white.) I also like the balance of the three flavors - here dark chocolate comes out on top, you taste it the most. Peppermint lovers may prefer Ghirardelli as would milk chocolate lovers. And the Ghirardelli squares are really hard not to like. But I just think the dark chocolate works best.

The only drawback to the Dove Promises is the horrible Martha Stewart "tips" on the inside. I much, much, much prefer the old cool holiday messages - things like "Let joy find you this holiday season" or "Linger under the mistletoe." Instead we get:

That says "Out of wrapping paper? Use an old map or a sewing pattern."

Yeah - I don't have any wrapping paper, but I have tons of sewing patterns (like that would look good) and maps. Martha does have a computer, right? Who has maps anymore? Maybe she owns stock in Rand McNally.

Other great tips from the wise one:

"Individually wrap ornaments in acid-free tissue for storage."

Need some more stress? Start worrying if you're wrapping the ornaments in the right paper.

Or how about this gem of genius:

"Make a plan for clearing and cleaning holiday dishes."

A plan? Are you kidding me? You need a plan to storm the beach at Normandy, not to clear the dinner table. How has anyone survived the holidays without Martha's wisdom? A better question is "How much did Mars pay her for this BS?" I would write cool inserts just for free chocolate. And they would be WAY better than Martha's. And I'm not a convicted felon.

Now this snowman kicks RS's snowman's behiney:

Wow! Even his nose is in the right place!

I found him with this gorgeous tree in Walgreen's:

These are made by Riviera Brands out of Deerfield, Illinois under the Hazelwood Gourmet label. The wrapper says they are made with Belgian chocolate. I don't know about that.

However, the snowman is way better than I expected. The peppermint is chewy rather than crunchy and the milk chocolate base is thick enough to offset the sweetness. I am shocked! The snowman is really good looking AND tastes good! What a great office gift or stocking stuffer. Well done! Hell, even unknown brands kick RS's butt.

The Christmas Tree is also not bad. It's pretty much just chocolate, but it really is festive. I think these are better than those chocolate lollipops Godiva did for Halloween. A+++ in design and B for flavor. And, if I know Walgreen's they'll probably run a sale on them soon if they haven't already. Grab some for emergency gifts. Hell - they look good enough to hang on your tree! (See - I got better ideas than Martha! Acid-free tissue - puleeze!)

Speaking of my arch enemy - Godiva - here's something I found in Belk but did not see in the Godiva boutique:

Could there be a cheesier inner wrapper? Even Hershey and Mars do better than this!

But I do like the look if the candy itself. I like the red and white chips. Here's the Godiva description:

Deliciously creamy Godiva white chocolate, mixed with cool, crunchy candy cane pieces, enrobed in Godiva dark chocolate and topped with candy bits.

Here's my description:

Some okay white chocolate with some crunched up peppermint dipped in some okay dark chocolate with some random sprinkle like things.

There ain't no "creamy" anywhere. I swear I just don't think Godiva's chocolate is that outstanding. These aren't bad, but they aren't great by any means. I think something much better is:

Now this is my kind of assortment!!! The boring chocolate Santas are the smallest quantity and the Reese's Trees are the largest! And that Martha bitch is nowhere in sight!

We'll talk trees and Santas in another post. Our present priority is peppermint:

You want creamy? This is creamy! Love the special holiday shape! Like the sparkly snowflake wrapper. (Godiva, get out of the candy ghetto with that cheap wrapper! And don't try to use old maps either.)

Peppermint Patties are an oldie but a goodie. Way cheaper than Godiva, but, to be honest, I like them better! Now, again, they can't beat the creamy Lindor truffle, but these are good.

I have to conclude with what might just be my favorite peppermint confection of the season - Harry and David's Peppermint Maltballs:

They look totally festive - Put then in a clear glass container and - bam - instant holiday cheer! (Take that, Martha!). And they taste great! The crunchy maltball and the dark chocolate all make for a great combo. Very creative use of textures and flavors and I like they way they look.

Let me conclude with a tip for Martha:

"Wrap little white lights around the bars of your cell, it is both festive and elegant."

And for Santa:

"Even if someone is chasing you with a golf club, keep your eyes toward the front of the sleigh at all times."