Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Chocolate, Quakers, and Poe

I am soooo excited that candy season is upon us! I think I'm more excited about Halloween this year than when I was a kid! Okay, maybe not. But the few kids that come to my house are going to be loaded up with candy. I have got to get rid of my surplus or you all are going to see me on the next A & E Hoarders episode. I'll be known forevermore as the Crazy Candy Lady.

Forevermore - how Poe of me! If I only had a raven.....

I'm going to go on one of my famous rants here, so get ready!! I am completely opposed to so called "healthy" Halloween treats. I'm still bitter about that box of raisins I got back in 1975. Who the hell wants raisins for Halloween? I had my Mom giving me crummy raisins in my lunch box all year, I want SUGAR at Halloween!

Which brings us to this:

Quaker Mini Granola Bars. Now let's give this product some thought. How does our friendly Quaker man feel about having his happy, smiling visage plastered on a product celebrating a pagan holiday? There he is smiling like a cherub surrounded by angry looking spirits of the undead. At least Palmer gives us a mad Doctor, not a Quaker! What is the world coming to?

Hell, I'd be angry too if I got one of these in my Trick or Treat bag:

The "sprinkles" are all crushed and look crappy and to call these chocolate chip is right. Chip - as in one. One chip. I kid you not. The chocolate chips are mighty hard to come by. And the Quaker is on every bar. Apparently no one at Quaker Oats thinks twice about the poor Quaker man anymore. He has become completely meaningless. Where's Aunt Jemima when you need her?

Now let's talk about the bold statements on the package - "a good source of calcium." If you eat three of these for 180 calories you get 10% of your recommended calcium. For fewer calories I can get twice as much calcium from my yogurt. I wouldn't really look to these for my daily dose of calcium. (Somebody call the FDA - tell them you're a Quaker.) These do have less fat and sugar than a comparable candy bar, but more calories. (And they taste like crap in comparison.) Let's see - mini Twix or mini granola bar. Any kid that willingly picks the granola bar has obviously been brainwashed by his parents and should be removed from that home immediately. (Call DSS - but don't say anything about being a Quaker, they might think you're a Mormon and try to take YOUR kids away.)

Hmmmm....so just how "healthy"? And will it really make any difference to have 10 less grams of sugar on a night when you might eat 10,000 grams of sugar? I say give me sugar or give me death! It will probably be both, but at least I'll die happy. My ghost will be smiling.

Maybe those of you morally opposed to such candy decadence as the mini-Reese's or mini-Snickers (my all time favorite as a kid - what a score!), could go for these:

Cute little mini Twix! Three different flavors and only 50 calories each.

Starting from the left, we have dark chocolate. These are the perfect bite size and dark chocolate fans should love this. (Parent you can pick all of these out for yourselves.) I've always liked the texture mix in a Twix - chocolate, caramel and the crunchy cookie - delish! Next is triple chocolate which is REALLY good! Milk chocolate, and a chocolate caramel with a chocolate cookie. The last is regular old Twix with milk chocolate, caramel and the cookie. The autopsy photos always reveal the truth. I so want a T-shirt that reads Chocolate CSI. : )

Those damn chocolate chip granola bars are a crime scene, that's for sure. The whole bag has 15 of them - that's 15 chocolate chips who gave their lives. Eat all 15 bars and you could have half your calcium for the day. I'm putting crime scene tape around Quaker headquarters right now, surely this is illegal.

My favorite of the Twix bars was the middle one - the Triple Chocolate. If you're a Twix fan, you might want to check these out. The package (beautifully decorated for fall, I might add) says they are a limited edition. And we know what that means - get them now or you might find them nevermore.

Bwah, ha, ha!!!!! Happy Halloween!!!


diane said...

I can picture it now... there's Denise in her official Chocolate CSI uniform (brown of course), complete with her equipment bag... camera, autopsy tools, and water. I'm thinking a second career whenever you get tired of being so Motivating ;)

Denise Ryan said...

Hee, hee - wouldn't that be great! Of course, we all know how I would dispose of the body!! I can't believe how hot it's gotten!! I hope the chocolate I sent you doesn't melt!!! ARGH!!!

diane said...

I received it yesterday. What a cool surprise!!! I had gone home with a migraine and then the postman cometh ;) You always brighten my day... Love ya girl!!!

Denise Ryan said...

Yahoo!!! That worked out perfectly!! I hate that you had a migraine, but it saved those chocolates!! : )