Easter Secrets from Beyond the Grave

Okay - if anyone didn't know what the heck I was talking about in the last entry when I said - Okay - there's a robin CARRYING an egg! (Do you think that's an African or a European robin?) This was a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail - the whole coconut/swallow episode. My buddy Wally pointed out to me that he had no idea what I was talking about. Sorry - my brain works in very mysterious ways. Thanks, Wally!!

I'm going to have to figure how how to pace my candy reviews better. I have more Easter candy than I have time. And let's face it - who will care after Easter? Heck, I'm not sure who cares now!

But I have made some startling discoveries in today's batch of Easter treats. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the truth is in the autopsy. Let's start with Wonka's Golden Creme Egg:

So much for the illusion of Willie Wonka - there's Nestle stamped on the egg as clear as day. (Where's a good Ooompa Loompa when you need one?)

Now the wrapper describes this as "chocolate creme and caramel with graham flavored cookie pieces in a milk chocolate shell." But the autopsy reveals:

A sadly thin layer of caramel - a swipe really - I don't know where the "chocolate creme" is. See how thick the chocolate "shell" is? This is a lot like a Nestle Crunch bar - I couldn't really tell what the graham flavored cookie pieces were. Could have been graham flavored, could have been those rice crisp things. Not as good as the wrapper makes it sound.

If you want caramel, here's where to look:

Look how oooey, gooey and downright sensuous that is! (That's the best cut I could make, by the way - the caramel was exploding out of there.) That's the best caramel egg I've seen. Now, there's no exotic sea salt, this is ghetto caramel compared to all that, but it is damn good. I mean look at it!!!

Now before we go having the Cadbury Easter parade, I have a bone to pick with them. I loved the regular Cadbury creme egg and I had vivid memories of eating the white creme and the yellow yolk. So delish and so cool because it was like a real egg! So I was thrilled to find these:

The big egg was always a little much - I thought these would be perfect! But look what the autopsy revealed:

Do you see it?? Do you? The horror, the horror! That is ORANGE creme!! ORANGE! These are not supposed to be the orange creme eggs! I cut open a few more just to make sure. How can this be? Do I really have to cut all my candy open to make sure it is what it is supposed to be? The hell with pistachios - the FDA needs to get on this!

But just when you think all is lost:

Yahoo!!! Look at that! That is Butterfinger pieces in a peanut butter creme!!!! Yeah, baby!! This was a great surprise and awesome!!

So what do we learn from this?

Don't judge a candy by its wrapper, a book by its cover or a person by their looks. What matters at the end of the day is what's on the inside.

But don't start autopsying your friends and associates. Time will show you who they are inside - and you can stay out of prison.

I still have no explanation for the Cadbury creme eggs filled with orange. A mistake? An overrun of orange creme? Or an Easter miracle? Some things in life will never be known - like the airspeed velocity of a coconut laden swallow.