Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Is it Ever Okay to Give Up?

Those of you who have been my loyal readers may realize I haven't said much about my dating life recently.  Well, partly, I was afraid someone I had gone out with would read my scathing review and get his feelings hurt.  At first, I figured the chance of that was like, 1,000,000,000 to one and what the hell.  But then I thought about electronic karma and that maybe I should stop.  (Hey, I need all the good karma I can get!)

There were plenty of disasters to blog about, believe me - the guy who quit calling when I wouldn't sleep with him on our third date; the guy who after two good dates, would only communicate via text - no phone calls, even after I asked him to call me.  I don't think you can develop closeness via text.   Please - I'm 45 not 15.  And there have been dozens of guys who just wanted to e-mail back and forth - never actually talk or, God forbid - meet!  What the hell is the point of that?

So you haven't heard anything because I figured my meanness might come back to haunt me or might actually hurt someone, which I never wanted to do.  None of these guys were mean, they just either have no game whatsoever OR way too much game.  I've been sucked into some jerk's covert operations WAY too many times to take any chances with that foolishness.  I am completely opposed to game playing and drama - life's just too short.

But now I've decided to take an even more dramatic step - I am giving up. Yep - the match.com profile is down, I'm not going to any more painful single's events, and never, ever again will I do speed dating.  I'm giving up.  Now, you have no idea how hard this is for me.  My basic philosophy of life is that if you want something, you should work hard as hell and never, never give up until you get it.  But after more than 10 years of all this craziness, I've decided that my dating ROI is worse than the NASDAQ's.  It's completely negative.  The hours spent (e-mailing, texting, on the phone, on the dates, sending care packages to Afghanistan, getting ready for dates, etc. etc. etc) were definitely not worth the return.  Let's face it, my return has been a bunch of heartbreak and confusion.  What person in their right mind would continue such folly?  It's time to admit this investment is a dog and put my resources elsewhere.

Now, I'm not saying if I met a great guy in the course of my regular life, I wouldn't go out with him.  I am saying I'm not wasting anymore time trying to find him.  I'm done trying to put myself in "target rich environments."  I'm done posting a profile and receiving all sorts of unwanted e-mail advances.  I'm done making small talk with boring men just because they are single.  I am not, and never have been, desperate.  Why am I acting like I HAVE to have someone?  The truth is I don't.   Most of the men I've dated since my divorce didn't add to my happiness, they lessened it.

So I'm going to stop all the unsuccessful efforts to find someone and just lead a great, big life.  And now I'll have more time to do it!

But what does this have to do with you?

Well - maybe there's some area in your life where you might want to consider giving up.  Tomorrow I'll tell you how to decide if giving up is the right choice for you.

And don't worry - I'm NEVER giving up chocolate!  Or peanut butter...or frosting....or caramel....


Russ Seagle said...

Saw a great bumper sticker once that said, "Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but people who never win and never quit are idiots!" I've found that, quite often, the best way to find something is to stop looking for it. You'll either stumble upon it, or it will find you. Wishing you all the best!

Denise Ryan said...

Ha, ha, ha!!! Love that one!! And you are so right, Russ! Great advice! Thanks for the comment!!

Kris, in New England said...

I agree with Russ and was about to say something very similar - when you stop looking, it will find you.

It's like that old story about people trying to have kids and it doesn't happen, so they adopt. And then find themselves pregnant.

When you least expect it, what you want will come knocking on your door wondering where the hell you've been!

And until then, you can have fun not trying.

Denise Ryan said...

Kris - how did you get so wise? Thanks so much for the words of wisdom!! Although I wish I had been looking for that bus! ; )

Heidi said...

You're smart.

That's all.

Denise Ryan said...

Ha, ha - Heidi - thanks for the comment!! You are on my list to call - I miss you!!!