Some Chocolate is Too Horrible to Live

Welcome back to work after a long holiday break! For those of you who are finding it hard to get back into the swing of things, I have just the ticket:

http://www.chocolateweapons.com

How'd you like to use one of those on your boss or an annoying co-worker? How cool would it be to pull out that gun and them take a big bite out of it? I'm thinking of building my own arsenal. Thanks to my brother, Russ for sending the link. THAT'S the kind of chocolate I want for Valentine's Day! (And given my relationship history, it's the most appropriate.)

I also have it set up so you can buy my awesome, cool, inspiring book, Do You Burn, online. There's a link on my website http://www.firestarspeaking.com/.

Now on to the great holiday chocolate massacre!

I have found Palmer chocolate that I like. I like Reese's. I like M & M's. I am no chocolate snob. But some chocolate is so bad, it really should not exist. I found this box in Walgreen's. And at first glance, it seemed to have good potential:

There were dark and milk chocolate pine cones. Nicely molded, festive:

These little guys were also festive - the snowflake is raspberry, the red and green one is peppermint and the other is dark chocolate:

This was a gingerbread truffle:

This is a peppermint truffle:

This is a dark chocolate truffle and an autopsied salted caramel truffle:

Can I just say, "GLAACK!"? These were terrible! So terrible I couldn't even identify the salted caramel by taste. It just tasted like bad chocolate with a vague bit if salt. The chocolate was yucky - not at all smooth - waxy - must be mockolate. If it's not, it should be. These are produced under the Hazelwood Gourmet label by Riviera Brands. Danger! Danger! Don't waste your money!! I got some of these after Valentine's Day last year (at half price) and I obviously forget how God awful they were. Boo!!!

I also bought these crazy things also by Hazelwood:

Now I had no idea what to expect when I bit one of these. For some reason I thought they might be hard, like a lollipop. But they are the creepy chocolate truffles from the box (a little bigger maybe) on a stick. The red and green sprinkled one is gingerbread - so they say. It sure didn't taste like gingerbread to me. More like some weird spice. Gross.

This one was really pretty - I like the bronze metallic over the chocolate. This was a giant dark chocolate truffle on a stick. Not as heinous as the "gingerbread" but nothing great. Definitely not worth the calories. Although I do give them points for trying something different. I don't think it works - the hard outer shell pretty much just crumbles. But hey - it was different.

Note to self - truffles don't need to be on a stick. Second note to self - stop buying this crappy chocolate.

I also found this at Walgreen's:

It looks like there is a lot more in the package than there really is:

Not very green! Someone call the EPA!

But it turns out that's a good thing:

Because this is awful. Rock hard waxy slabs of chocolate with some crumbs of something they say is gingerbread. Ewww! This was truly awful. From Harry London. That bastard.

Now you know if I'm talking about bad chocolate, I'm going to have to talk about Russell Stover. I keep giving them a chance and they keep sucking. I am done with them, I swear! (How many times have I said that? and I just keep going back. Apparently Russell Stover is my Charlie Sheen.)

I hadn't tried a maple cream Santa (and I like maple):

Ah - the Russell Stover artistry! Look at that Santa! I think that looks more like the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes than a Santa. Zero points for artistic skill.

How does it taste? Slightly mapley. The filling is more fluffy than creamy. Not horrible, but not anything I would buy again. The chocolate did better than usual (i.e. not all crumbly and cracking off) and seems a little less waxy. But maybe that's just because the other ones I've reviewed today have been so, so, so bad.

At the beginning of the holiday season, someone commented that the RS wreath was not as good this year as it has been. Their coconut wreaths were one of the only things I liked in the line. They were reworked for each holiday, but they had great shredded coconut and were good!

But I think our reader was absolutely right! Look at the difference between last year's wreath:

And this year's wreath:

Russell Stover, you suck!!!! This is so lame compared to the old version! You can barely taste the coconut!! The one thing I liked, you ruined! I hate you!

Where's a chocolate anti-aircraft gun when I need one?

So what do we learn from this?

That apparently I am one step away from entering the mental ward. But besides that...

Believe chocolate when it shows you how it tastes the first time. How many times have I purchased Russell Stover and how many times have I been disappointed? (I am completely ripping off the saying that you should believe people when they show you who they are the first time.) Someone who will lie to you once, will lie you to again. (If Charlie Sheen tried to kill you once, he's gonna beat on you again.)

There is a place for bad chocolate. It makes us appreciate good chocolate! People who treat you badly make you value people who treat you well. Bad times make you appreciate good times. Cold weather makes you appreciate warm weather. (That's for those of you freezing right now.)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Okay, if I buy Hazelwood or Russell Stover again, I only have myself to blame. What mistakes might you be repeating? And are you blaming the right person?

Here's to making NEW mistakes in 2010! And learning from the old ones.

And carrying a loaded chocolate handgun.