Saturday, June 21, 2008

Paula Deen is the Devil

Paula Deen is the Devil because she's sending me to Hell. I think that would be the perfect title for a country and western song. In fact, let's just write a few lines:

Paula Deen is the Devil, 'cause she's sending me to Hell.
She bakes all these good de-sserts that make my middle swell.
Chocolate pies and chocolate cookies and then there's chocolate cakes.
Some of these damn de-sserts you don't even have to bake!
I used to be able to fit into my jeans
and then I bought a magazine writ by Paula Deen
Just lookin' at those pictures made me want to eat
And not just anything, something chocolately and sweet!
I just can't stop, I just eat pell-mell,
Paula Deen is the Devil and she's sent me straight to Hell.

Have you seen a copy of Paula Deen's special collection magazine devoted completely to chocolate? If not, SAVE YOURSELF! Don't even look at the cover! Paula and her cute self are there holding the biggest chocolate mousse cake known to man. The magazine is gorgeous, the pictures are amazing, and all the recipes look delicious. I wanted to lick several of the pages.

Here's the problem - and it's not really Paula's fault - if I see chocolate, I want to eat chocolate. If I had a chocolate mousse cake in my house, I would eat the entire chocolate mousse cake. Soon. Like in one day. I'd like to tell you I could have just one small piece, that I could pace myself, that I could savor the mousse cake. But I cannot.

So what does one who wants to savor life and not ban the food of the gods from one's home do? I have some ideas:

1.) Know thyself. If this is you, admit it. Embrace your lack of control and don't try to fight your nature. Work with it.

2.) Bring in only small amounts of the dangerous substance. If I really want chocolate mousse cake, a better option for me is to go to a restaurant and have one piece. Europeans do this at chocolate shops. They only buy one or two pieces (not three gigantic boxes). It's that crazy moderation thing.

3.) Cast out the Devil! I had to pitch the Nutella. It was good, I loved it, but it was like cocaine! I wanted to eat it every night! A lot of it! And Nutella is the caloric and nutritional equivalent of chocolate frosting. I can't start eating spoonfuls of frosting every night. One of the world's top chocolate tasters maintains her weight by tasting a chocolate (eating a very small bit) and throwing the rest away. Now I know this seems wasteful but if, like me, you can't control yourself, better to try and pitch than never try at all. (Sorry Shakespeare). Or even worse, shove it all in so you don't "waste it." What - are you going to send a half eaten jar of Nutella to Dafur?

4.) Become a connoisseur. Only eat things you really enjoy and know what you're eating. Let me use our fun M & M ice cream treats as an example. The ice cream treats were fun, I'm really glad I tried them (I ate two and pitched three). Why didn't I eat them all? 200 calories each is why. I can have TWO Slim-A-Bear ice cream sandwiches for that. And I actually like them better. Allocate your calories wisely. You can still eat great things. Just not every great thing. In massive quantities. At once.

Here's the bottom line - I love chocolate, I will not give it up. Give me chocolate or give me death! (Sorry Patrick Henry) But I also am not going to buy a new wardrobe. I want to have my chocolate mousse cake and fit in my jeans too. Get thee behind me, Paula Deen!


Heidi said...

Oh m'gosh, I SO NEEDED this blog tonight because I have just eaten three pieces of my son's birthday cake and now I have a nice bloated middle to show for it.
I can't watch Paula Deen, either because she loves her butter and so do I.
Thanks for the motivation to eat all in moderation.

Marilyn said...

This is great! I'm not giving up chocolate come Hell or High water!