Cacao Schmow, Give Me Sugar!

I know - I may be the only person alive who thinks this, but Palmer chocolate is a pretty good deal for el cheapo chocolate. At least their Santas don't look like blobs:

And their cookies and cream isn't too bad:

In the whole package there was only one disk wrapped in red - it surprised me! But I like Palmer because they always make an assortment interesting by using different foil designs and colors. And I'm telling you, these cookies and cream things are all right! Look at those cookie chunks! Yum!

They also did a caramel tree:

Again, I like the way it looks - a star on top, a bow and all the ornaments. Pretty good job!




The taste is okay. Would like more caramel. But for the price and the artistry, I still gotta say it's good. I think Palmer just puts in a whole bunch of sugar - it's not the highest quality chocolate in the world, but it's good. I'm okay with lots of sugar - it's all about the taste to me. It's not like I'm eating this stuff to get healthy.



The last Palmer design I found were these wreaths:



Look at all these different foil designs!!

I mean - that's a lot of trouble! Very festive! And you know how I like the use of different colors of chocolate. Go Palmer!

Very sweet - again, this is not creamy, rich, smooth Belgian chocolate. There's a whole lotta sugar going on. But I gotta say, these are better than that horrible Hazelwood stuff.

What can we learn from Palmer?

Not everyone has to be Godiva (which is overrated in my book anyway). Palmer isn't even trying to be high-end. Palmer is going for fun, festive, and cheap. Palmer is being the best it can be in its own niche.

Celebrate who you are! Stop agonizing over who you're not. We can't all be Angelia Jolie. But you know what? She can't be you either. (And you don't EVER have to sleep with Billy Bob Thornton.) Make the most of what you have.

The right people will love you. Palmer has a following, so does the evil Russell Stover. You don't have to please all the people all of the time - in fact, you can't. You really just have to please yourself. And if you're in business, you have to please enough other people to pay the bills.

And finally, enough sugar can offset just about anything.

Some Chocolate is Too Horrible to Live

Welcome back to work after a long holiday break! For those of you who are finding it hard to get back into the swing of things, I have just the ticket:

http://www.chocolateweapons.com

How'd you like to use one of those on your boss or an annoying co-worker? How cool would it be to pull out that gun and them take a big bite out of it? I'm thinking of building my own arsenal. Thanks to my brother, Russ for sending the link. THAT'S the kind of chocolate I want for Valentine's Day! (And given my relationship history, it's the most appropriate.)

I also have it set up so you can buy my awesome, cool, inspiring book, Do You Burn, online. There's a link on my website http://www.firestarspeaking.com/.

Now on to the great holiday chocolate massacre!

I have found Palmer chocolate that I like. I like Reese's. I like M & M's. I am no chocolate snob. But some chocolate is so bad, it really should not exist. I found this box in Walgreen's. And at first glance, it seemed to have good potential:

There were dark and milk chocolate pine cones. Nicely molded, festive:

These little guys were also festive - the snowflake is raspberry, the red and green one is peppermint and the other is dark chocolate:

This was a gingerbread truffle:

This is a peppermint truffle:

This is a dark chocolate truffle and an autopsied salted caramel truffle:

Can I just say, "GLAACK!"? These were terrible! So terrible I couldn't even identify the salted caramel by taste. It just tasted like bad chocolate with a vague bit if salt. The chocolate was yucky - not at all smooth - waxy - must be mockolate. If it's not, it should be. These are produced under the Hazelwood Gourmet label by Riviera Brands. Danger! Danger! Don't waste your money!! I got some of these after Valentine's Day last year (at half price) and I obviously forget how God awful they were. Boo!!!

I also bought these crazy things also by Hazelwood:

Now I had no idea what to expect when I bit one of these. For some reason I thought they might be hard, like a lollipop. But they are the creepy chocolate truffles from the box (a little bigger maybe) on a stick. The red and green sprinkled one is gingerbread - so they say. It sure didn't taste like gingerbread to me. More like some weird spice. Gross.

This one was really pretty - I like the bronze metallic over the chocolate. This was a giant dark chocolate truffle on a stick. Not as heinous as the "gingerbread" but nothing great. Definitely not worth the calories. Although I do give them points for trying something different. I don't think it works - the hard outer shell pretty much just crumbles. But hey - it was different.

Note to self - truffles don't need to be on a stick. Second note to self - stop buying this crappy chocolate.

I also found this at Walgreen's:

It looks like there is a lot more in the package than there really is:

Not very green! Someone call the EPA!

But it turns out that's a good thing:

Because this is awful. Rock hard waxy slabs of chocolate with some crumbs of something they say is gingerbread. Ewww! This was truly awful. From Harry London. That bastard.

Now you know if I'm talking about bad chocolate, I'm going to have to talk about Russell Stover. I keep giving them a chance and they keep sucking. I am done with them, I swear! (How many times have I said that? and I just keep going back. Apparently Russell Stover is my Charlie Sheen.)

I hadn't tried a maple cream Santa (and I like maple):

Ah - the Russell Stover artistry! Look at that Santa! I think that looks more like the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes than a Santa. Zero points for artistic skill.

How does it taste? Slightly mapley. The filling is more fluffy than creamy. Not horrible, but not anything I would buy again. The chocolate did better than usual (i.e. not all crumbly and cracking off) and seems a little less waxy. But maybe that's just because the other ones I've reviewed today have been so, so, so bad.

At the beginning of the holiday season, someone commented that the RS wreath was not as good this year as it has been. Their coconut wreaths were one of the only things I liked in the line. They were reworked for each holiday, but they had great shredded coconut and were good!

But I think our reader was absolutely right! Look at the difference between last year's wreath:

And this year's wreath:

Russell Stover, you suck!!!! This is so lame compared to the old version! You can barely taste the coconut!! The one thing I liked, you ruined! I hate you!

Where's a chocolate anti-aircraft gun when I need one?

So what do we learn from this?

That apparently I am one step away from entering the mental ward. But besides that...

Believe chocolate when it shows you how it tastes the first time. How many times have I purchased Russell Stover and how many times have I been disappointed? (I am completely ripping off the saying that you should believe people when they show you who they are the first time.) Someone who will lie to you once, will lie you to again. (If Charlie Sheen tried to kill you once, he's gonna beat on you again.)

There is a place for bad chocolate. It makes us appreciate good chocolate! People who treat you badly make you value people who treat you well. Bad times make you appreciate good times. Cold weather makes you appreciate warm weather. (That's for those of you freezing right now.)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Okay, if I buy Hazelwood or Russell Stover again, I only have myself to blame. What mistakes might you be repeating? And are you blaming the right person?

Here's to making NEW mistakes in 2010! And learning from the old ones.

And carrying a loaded chocolate handgun.

This is my Brain on Marshmallow

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a great New Year's Eve! I was out dancing to a great rock band AND was wearing three inch heels. Hip replacement? What hip replacement?

Anyway, my Sorbet Sistah, Sassy and I were out till three last night and as a result, my brain is somewhat marshmallowey today. Thus our theme - holiday marshmallow.

I went by Crate and Barrel a couple of days ago and all their holiday candy is on sale - so you might want to check it out. I have several of their treats - let's start with their S'mores:

These are nothing to rave about. The marshmallow is not evenly distributed (as you can see in the picture) - it sits in a blob roughly in the middle. The chocolate is okay. Real s'mores are better. Hell, Goldfish S'mores (reviewed months back) are better. There are much better treats out there.

They also have these mini mighty marshmallows - and the tag line reads - "drenched in milk chocolate - perfect for dunking in hot chocolate or for eating right out of the bag."

,

These would probably kick butt in hot chocolate - what a great idea! And as far as chocolate covered marshmallows go, they are good. Exciting? Nope. I just can't get really excited about the chocolate covered marshmallow. Unless......




Do you see that? It's peanut butter!!! Let's just check these bad boys by Harry and David out. There are three kinds in the box - dark chocolate and marshmallow:

Eh. Okay.

Let's do milk chocolate caramel next:

Looks good!! I have some high hopes!! Okay, NOW we're talking. These have delicious and not skimpy caramel which makes them awesome! The only ones worth eating yet. Very, very good - awesome chewy caramel, good milk chocolate, and the marshmallow really works - outstanding!

And the one I've been waiting for (drum roll please).....milk chocolate and PEANUT BUTTER!

Hmmm......while these are not bad, I don't think the marshmallow brings anything to the peanut butter. In fact, I think it takes away. Booo!!! I hate marshmallow. Now I want a Reese's Tree.

Harry and David also has these caramel marshmallow bars billed as "fluffy clouds of yum, wrapped in caramel":

These remind me of Modjeskas (blogged about in another post) and I won't lie to you, these are pretty darn good. But I prefer the Modjeskas I had that were completely covered in caramel. If you like marshmallow, you will do back flips for these. If you don't, pass and just get some caramel. These are super sweet, but somewhat light due to the marshmallow. Wow.

Look at these crazy things I found in World Market:

These are made by Tunnock's, a Scottish company established in 1890. And they are god-awful. They are covered in coconut and are filled with that whipped marshmallow - kind of like Fluff - that stuff some people put on sandwiches. They are very rich, yet at the same time have very little taste. They have a thin layer of something that tastes vaguely like coco and holds the thing together. Awful in a weird fascinating way, like when you can't help but look at a car wreck.

And now I have marshmallow fluff on my keyboard. Great.

You all are very familiar with how much I despise Russell Stover. But I can't seem to walk away. (Sounds a little like my love life - I keep going back to the same guys thinking they are going to be different). Anyway let's move to the world of festive marshmallow shapes:


Well, at least it looks like a snowman, pretty amazing for RS, King of Blobs. But when I performed the autopsy, look at that:


Chocolate marshmallow! Any good? Well, better than white marshmallow, but still not really worth anything. Caramel still way better. Crate and Barrel Mini marshmallows have better chocolate. RS just never really makes the grade. I wonder how much longer they are going to be around.


Speaking of blobs, check out this "Santa" by Georgia Nut company:




Are you kidding me? What the hell is that?

The Christmas Blob is filled with something with the same consistency of marshmallow fluff, but they call it "whipped vanilla cream". It's sinful. It's totally sweet and if you bite into it, you will eat the whole thing, even if you don't want to. I can't explain it. It's good, but it's also so sickeningly sweet that after you eat it, you immediately want to eat green vegetables. It's over-the-top.

The next one is chocolate covered marshmallow Santa's made by Brach's:

This Santa is just plain weird. I don't know how they make it, but you can see that it's kind of detailed, but the chocolate coating is so thin the white shows through and the whole thing looks weird. The taste is not horrible, just boring. At least these are cheap. I am reminded that I still don't like marshmallow and again want a Reese's Tree.

Before we go, look at these chocolate covered cherry cordial flavored marshmallow reindeer treats by a company called Melster Candies:

Okay - these are actually reindeer, not reindeer treats. But, what the hell. Again the weird detail, the thin chocolate, and this time, pink marshmallow peeks through. If you like cherry, you may like these, but it was too much for me. Cheap marshmallow, cheap chocolate, and overpowering cherry. Well, at least we have a different shape and some wildly colored marshmallow.

The take away?

What a celebration of marshmallow creativity! We had different shapes, and coatings, and flavors and fillings. Are you this creative with how you view yourself? Are you someone with a bad hip or a dancing queen? Are you too old to do what you want? Too fat to wear that? Or are you someone who does what makes them happy, convention be damned? You get to decide who you are - only you and no one else. Who will you be this year?

Your life is as sweet as you decide to make it. Happy 2010 - make it your year.